I Struggle to Write and That’s Alright

 On this particular Wednesday in May, almost every Senior in Mr. Cooks’ Honors English 4 class took part in the nervous chatter while anxiety danced throughout the classroom. Clenching their notecards, some students recited the same words, over and over, messing them up in a different way every time. However, I took this time to reread and commit every card to memory for our (mandatory to graduate) Senior Presentations, which started right after school.

 Although I don’t have a photographic memory, I can usually “see” the words, standing tall and powerful in their specific placement on the card as if they were actors on a stage, their message ready to be performed. If I can only envision the curvature of the first letter, the rest of the sentences flow naturally. When I’m writing — especially when writing a piece that will be presented orally — the smoothness of the piece is essential. This becomes the most aggravating part of the whole process. To write, read it, and realize “these words would be more suitable in a different paragraph.” hurts my motivation to continue.  After moving the content and rephrasing the sentences to fix the structural flow, I’ve now messed up the contextual flow of the new paragraph. The third- or fourth-time re-rewriting and reading the piece to my dog, I finally manage to prepare the piece in a way that I’m somewhat proud of. This tactic also helps me, by being able to hear myself say it, but also knowing someone (or something) can hear it out loud, which reveals to me what needs to be fixed. When I have finished the process and its speech ready, I often find myself breaking down in emotional distress. Each salty tear that rolls down my face represents every word that I can’t remember as I struggle to recite my speech for the first time. The reality that I won’t have complete memorization in my first three tries is soul crushing to my perfectionist spirit.

By the week of Senior Presentation, I felt my speech topic do deeply, since I chose something I care about- Paid Maternity Leave as a National Standard. The other four Seniors presenting in our given room and I sat and patiently waiting on the judges. We decided an order of who would go first, remembering the strategy Mr. Cook told us – “If you think they’ll do better than you, go before them.” Almost as a singular voice, my peers assigned me to go very last, knowing I was overwhelmingly capable of delivering the best presentation.  In going last, I waited almost thirty minutes while the others performed. My mind took these thirty minutes as an opportunity to suggest every possible way I could stutter or forget to change slides. As I stood up and walked to the front of my room, the room seemed to grow as I took what felt like an endless walk of shame. Waiting for the judges to give me the “go-ahead’ felt like forever and a few short seconds at the same time. The waiting made my heart beat even faster, but I tried to use the short time to recite the speech one final time in my head. I started to inform my audience on the benefits and minimal drawbacks of National Paid Maternity Leave and before I knew it, I was close to the end, I had not skipped a beat, and I was ready to end my speech perfectly in the middle of the time specifications. Receiving a 97 on my Senior Project felt great. For me, speaking has always been a God-given talent I’ve never had much stage fright, and I’ve always enjoyed talking in general, Public speaking is a tool I will continue to use for the rest of my life. Looking forward, I would not be opposed to having to present in English 111 or any other future English class I may take, as I see it as a great opportunity to expand my skills and experience.